How to: Play Black Ops, Part I

Are you tired of being tebagged? Do you want a K/D over 1.00? Or does your game just feel a little off lately? Well fear not, gamers! You've come to the right place!
The following tips are a series of tips on how to improve your Blops game. These tips are proven both by our expert testers in the lab and by players in the field. Let's begin.

Always play on 10 sensitivity: As everyone but you knows, controller sensitivity is directly correlated to player skill. Logically, playing on the highest sensitivity will allow you to achieve the highest possible skill level. Make every shot a 1080 noscope.

Never play singleplayer: Single player is for fags, losers, and of course, n00bs. If you're not ruthlessly spawncamping some sergeants on Jungle or Nuketown, you're statistically a pussy. EXCEPTION: You may play zombies with a chick, but never otherwise.

Weapon loadout: If you still are bicurious about your playstyle in Blops, this is the section for you. There are two main playstyles in Black Ops: The silenced FAMAS and the AK74u with grip. Use these weapons on any class to ensure victory in any engagement, at any time, at any range and against any foe.

Perk choices: 
PERK ONE: Hardline is for noobs. Scavenger is for noobs with low accuracy. Flak Jacket is for noobs who play the objective. Lightweight sucks. This leaves only Ghost. What could be better than remaining undetected from UAV, air support, and IR scopes? Nothing, that's what.
PERK TWO: Why not show off your skillz to the world? Use your only Pro perk, Slight of Hand.
PERK THREE: You have to choose between being invincible and not being invincible. I'll you two guesses as to what the right answer is. Obviously Second Chance is the perk for everyone.
PROTIP!: Want to be like the pros? Buy as many Pro perks as possible. This increases your skill level by 15% with each purchase. With all 15 Pro perks, (except Tactical Mask, that's for noobs), that's a 210% improvement.

Weapon camo: Everyone knows only pro's use the good camos. The last camo unlocked in CoD4 was Red Tiger. The last camo unlocked in MW2 was orange. What could be better than the orange tiger camo? Not only can it blind your enemies in the killcam with its bright orange hue, it serves as a showcase to your skill and dedication to your craft.

Don't play the objective: Which player on a team sounds the coolest? The Objective Guy, the Support Guy, or the SLAYER. Why, the SLAYER, of course. As any team's SLAYER, your job is to kill as many enemies as possible, but never die, ever. Even if it means losing the game. If you tell enough people you're a SLAYER, they'll understand.