Blog Post

I love the word Saracen. I want to create something involving Saracen. Is that the correct plural form? I don't care. The banner-commander of the detachment of Saracen watched, squinting, at the shapes forming on the horizon. Slowly, he recognized a mast delicately periscoping over the lowest dunes. A skiff! He grabbed his spear.

Saracen indeed.

No Title

The ground is ripped and my uniform torn
The officer dead and the drummer-boy gone

The silent shout of those who died
Mingled with the wounded's cries

And still in the distance the bugler calls
From across the field till the last hero falls.

Tactful Tip of the Day

When someone says that something has or will happen to someone, they are talking about you.

"Someone smells bad."

Tactful Tip of the Day

This is a guide on how to insult somebody without them knowing until around 6-8 minutes after. By then hopefully a large obstructive object, such as Canada, will be between you and the offended party.
Actually fuck it let's make this a guide to identify when such a clever ruse is being employed against you.

When someone says straightforward, they mean simple or stupid.


"Morgan, your poem is a bit straightforward."

An Epoch Poem

I

I am a man of the railway yards
And the gentle heartbeat of the subway cars
That move to the rhythm of the near and far
And end up in graves in the railway yards

And the signs in the sun of the railway yards
Reflecting off the cold, hungry cars
And the echoes of the hunger hitching near and far
On the gentle rhythm of the railway yards

II

I am a man of the dust and the rain
And the hallowed ruins of my family name
From the pallid grey waste where the fire came
And turned the water to dust and the sky to rain

III

I am a man from a sacred land
Ravaged by famine of tribes and clans
I have my boots and I have a plan
And my Freudian wall to keep my face from the sand

And in the arid flats of the tainted land
Made clement by wealth and tribes and clans
The ground, parched and cracked where I stand
Is painting a symphony with dust and sand

IV

The sun shines through the clearing clouds
Rays of light permeate with heavenly sounds
The birds fly above as the drums hum below
The trill of a bluejay; the thrum of a crow

Before the fire came

And turned the ashes to dust and the
Dust to tears

V

I am a man of the shimmering road
The burning flats and their cracked abode
The crunch of rubber and tar and clay
The cradle of the sun at high midday

VI

The empty bag clumps to the ground
The compass rusted and turned all round
The food long gone and the water spare

Time is my why, the wind is my where

I am a man of this infinite path
I once was a man of the railway yards

And my gentle heartbeat begins to mend the scars
Of the land once ravaged by brimstone and wrath
I am a man of the railway yard
And always a traveller of this infinite path.

Top Ten: Moments in Call of Duty (7)

NUMBER 7:
The Reichstag: WaW

Nothing can compare. This level was fucking awesome.

Blog Post

I have a special note I always keep in my wallet. It is in case I ever become the victim of a terrible accident. It says "It's been fun. I'll miss you all." Its purpose is to make said accident look like a suicide so more people will remember my death, were it to occur. Today I noticed that the little slip of paper with the note on it was gone. I didn't care. I am invincible.

Wank Achievements Feat. Austin

Wank Achievements

Mile High Bash: Wank on an airplane

Wiretap: Wank while on the phone with somebody

Behind Enemy Lines: Wank while an adult is in the room

God: Wank without using your hands

Reading, Writing, and…: Wank in school

Zero-G: Wank upside-down

Southpaw: Wank with your off-hand

Life on the Edge: Wank with the door open and the lights on

Cruelty: Walk in on someone wanking, then begin and finish before them

Minute Waltz: Flaccid to flaccid in fewer than 60 seconds

Tenure: Wank while teaching

Host Advantage: Wank while maintaining a 3:1 K/D spread in any game

House Rules: Wank and win a game of monopoly or risk

Party Favor: Wank while people are pinning the tail on the donkey

Public Enemy: Wank while waiting for public transportation

Sacrilege: Wank in church

Look out Below: Wank out of at least a second story window

Return to Sender: Rent a movie/book and wank into it, then return it

Barebones: Wank with no stimulus and with your eyes open

Sabotage: Wank during a bomb threat

Sedition: Wank during the national anthem

Study Abroad: Wank in another country

Deep Freeze: Wank under 32 F

Heat Stroke: Wank over 100 F

Double Play: Take a break from sex to wank

Prevailing Easterlies: Wank in a natural body of water

Red Lobster: Wank while in a restaurant

Down in Front: Wank in a movie theatre

Hard Time: Wank while breaking the law

Patriotism: Wank while enlisting

Below the Belt: Wank during an argument

Picking up the Torch: Finish someone off if they are clinically dead, and then successfully revive them

Marathon Man: Wank for one hour with stimulation

No Time like the Present: Wank while incapacitated

Going Up: Wank in an elevator

Renaissance Man: Wank while competing in a sporting event or producing a work of art or literature

Iron Lungs: Wank in one breath

Everything Counts: Wank in one fell swoop

Globetrotter: Sow your seed on all seven continents

Bushman: Wank in Africa

Lady Liberty: Wank in North America

South of the Border: Wank in South America

Hand Down Under: Wank in Australia

Great Leap Forward: Wank in Asia

The Leaning Tower: Wank in Europe

Frostbite: Wank in Antarctica

Hypothermia: Wank north of the Arctic Circle

Going Mobile: Wank while running

Queen’s Gambit: Wank during a game of chess

The Tube: Wank in a subway

Five Dollar Footlong: Wank while ordering food

Earth-Shattering: Wank on a fault line

Ballsy: Wank naked outside while it’s hailing

We Shall Overcome: Wank with a broken arm

I Have a Dream: Wank during a protest

Situational Awareness: Wank in a room with three or more people with one of them talking to you

Scraping By: Wank while below the poverty line

Living Large: Feast and then wank

Well Informed: Wank to the news

Greasemonkey:  Wank using engine lubricant

High Society: Wank at the opera or symphony

Shoot for the Stars: Eject with a five foot vertical or more

Make a Wish: Finish at 11:11PM

Rubbing it in: Wank on someone undergoing testicular radiotherapy

Minimalist: Wank with one finger

Lights, Camera…: Wank onstage

Use of Time: Wank while stranded on a south Pacific island

Reduce, Reuse…: Use bodily fluids as a lubricant while wanking (wanksauce is acceptable)

On the Job: Wank while operating heavy machinery

Spray and Pray: Wank while firing an automatic weapon

Resourceful: Wank to produce electric, kinetic or thermal energy

Triathlon: Wank three times consecutively

Ace: Wank five times consecutively

Master’s Challenge: Wank while playing golf

Domino Effect: Wank to someone else wanking

The Iron Curtain: Wank with no internet access

Dry Fire: Wank with no source of moisture

Element of Surprise: Wank on to an enemy

Concealed Weapon: Wank without removing your trousers

Hadouken: Shout “Kamehameha!” as you finish

Over 9000: Complete a career total of 9001 wank sessions

For the Greater Good: Wank to avert a national crisis

True Artists…: Wank for all to see

Ace in the Hole: Wank to win a game of anything

March Madness: Wank three times a day for a month

Divinest Sense: Wank while praying

Top Ten: Moments in Call of Duty (8)

NUMBER 8:
"Fighter jets over I-95! How the hell did they get through?!": MW2

The opening to the "Wolverines" mission could be a short film in itself. This is one of the few times in the Call of Duty franchise that cinematic pacing is noted and used to great effect. The cinematic starts with NORAD contacting various US air force bases throughout the country. It appears that the blips NORAD has been seeing on the radar are just phantom dots, as confirmed by the west coast. However, upon attempting to contact Dobbins AFB on the eastern seaboard, NORAD is met with quite a surprise.
The Russians have landed.

How to: Play Black Ops, Part I

Are you tired of being tebagged? Do you want a K/D over 1.00? Or does your game just feel a little off lately? Well fear not, gamers! You've come to the right place!
The following tips are a series of tips on how to improve your Blops game. These tips are proven both by our expert testers in the lab and by players in the field. Let's begin.

Always play on 10 sensitivity: As everyone but you knows, controller sensitivity is directly correlated to player skill. Logically, playing on the highest sensitivity will allow you to achieve the highest possible skill level. Make every shot a 1080 noscope.

Never play singleplayer: Single player is for fags, losers, and of course, n00bs. If you're not ruthlessly spawncamping some sergeants on Jungle or Nuketown, you're statistically a pussy. EXCEPTION: You may play zombies with a chick, but never otherwise.

Weapon loadout: If you still are bicurious about your playstyle in Blops, this is the section for you. There are two main playstyles in Black Ops: The silenced FAMAS and the AK74u with grip. Use these weapons on any class to ensure victory in any engagement, at any time, at any range and against any foe.

Perk choices: 
PERK ONE: Hardline is for noobs. Scavenger is for noobs with low accuracy. Flak Jacket is for noobs who play the objective. Lightweight sucks. This leaves only Ghost. What could be better than remaining undetected from UAV, air support, and IR scopes? Nothing, that's what.
PERK TWO: Why not show off your skillz to the world? Use your only Pro perk, Slight of Hand.
PERK THREE: You have to choose between being invincible and not being invincible. I'll you two guesses as to what the right answer is. Obviously Second Chance is the perk for everyone.
PROTIP!: Want to be like the pros? Buy as many Pro perks as possible. This increases your skill level by 15% with each purchase. With all 15 Pro perks, (except Tactical Mask, that's for noobs), that's a 210% improvement.

Weapon camo: Everyone knows only pro's use the good camos. The last camo unlocked in CoD4 was Red Tiger. The last camo unlocked in MW2 was orange. What could be better than the orange tiger camo? Not only can it blind your enemies in the killcam with its bright orange hue, it serves as a showcase to your skill and dedication to your craft.

Don't play the objective: Which player on a team sounds the coolest? The Objective Guy, the Support Guy, or the SLAYER. Why, the SLAYER, of course. As any team's SLAYER, your job is to kill as many enemies as possible, but never die, ever. Even if it means losing the game. If you tell enough people you're a SLAYER, they'll understand.

Top Ten: Moments in Call of Duty (9)

NUMBER 9:
Escape from Kowloon: Blops

On the very top floor of a towering skyscraper overlooking a decrepit, decadent city drenched in torrent, the Spetsnaz are moving. They are fleet of foot; silent; swift. Each motion each man in the team takes is deliberate and with purpose. A flash of lightning leaves but brief silhouettes of the operatives as they traverse the urban jungle that is Kowloon.
Suddenly, they stop. Naught but the rain moves. The men wait. Not a soul breathes. The silence has become thick and heavy. The nervous jitter of one greenfoot screams in the resonating eardrums of all. In the distance, a jet airplane lands. When at last the drone of its dual turbines subsides over the sheet metal cavalcade, the men have disappeared into the city.
This film noir- esque description may sound straight out of a radio program or soapy television show, but it is actually from one of the middle levels of Call of Duty: Blops. From the one can almost feel the rain splash off the player's feet and arms as they navigate the jungle gym of Kowloon.
More of an experience than it is a level, the esoteric beauty of the city is sublime: the small details that the game's rendering engine pick up really make this level a work of art. Jumping, climbing, freerunning and sliding to its epic conclusion, the entire level is one rollercoaster ride of combat and cinematic, visceral platforming. And to top it all off: at it's end, the operatives disappear without a trace, lost in the slimy masses of the undercity. Not to mention you can get the fucking thundergun.

Top Ten: Moments in Call of Duty (10)

NUMBER 10:
"The End of the Beginning": CoD 2

One look at the compass at any part in this classic north-African level will confirm: the Call of Duty series is built around massive, epic confrontations. From the drone of the dogfighting planes high above to the small puffs of sand kicked up by MG42 fire below, this British mission sees nonstop action from start to finish, with a healthy flow of both friends and enemies to fight alongside you.
The sheer scope of this level is something that even the games of today are hard-pressed to replicate. The surrounding tank and aeroplane action sets the stage perfectly for the gigantic engagement in the bustling Mediterranean town of El Daba. The epic explosion of a German vessel at the level's finish is eclipsed only by the smug knowledge that the MacGregor will have an ample supply of alcohol for the rest of the campaign.
The astoundingly cinematic nature of this single battle easily earns the entire endeavour the number 10 spot.

Timeline of High Comrade Alexander's Presidency: Part I

November 2034: At age 39, Alexander becomes youngest ever president to be elected.
January 2035: Election debacle ends when Democratic and Republican opponents disputing Alexander's election suffer severe head trauma and withdraw from politics. Both candidates are placed in mental health clinics to facilitate radical ideas. Alexander assumes presidency.
February 2035: "First Great American Purge" as entire senate and arrested and kicked twice.
January 2036: First Great American Purge concludes with gala and raffle.
October 2037: In a shocking and unprecedented move, Alexander ragequits from office. He later rejoins the session later that day, saying "I'm sorry. I just wanted my stats to be reset. I didn't want to offend anyone."
November 2038: Alexander re-elected for second term in the lowest-turnout election in history.
February 2039: Title of "President" replaced with "High Comrade" and senate re-instated.
March 2039: Senate toppled.
June 2039: American government overhauled. Original constitution misplaced but later found by members of Alexander's harem. Members of the Friends of Alexander book club immediately assigned to secretariat.
July 2039: More words like "secretariat" created at High Comrade's behest.
August 2039: Months of year renamed to end in letter b.
Decemb 2039: Year celebrated as "most productive year in American history ever." Decade-long feast ensues.
Januaryb 2040: Control of America given to United Kingdom until further notice as all first and second class citizens participate in interplanetary golf tournament.
Febub 2040: Entire golf commission returns to earth to turn off Imperial Palace stove. Golf tournament recommences.
Mib 2040: Gubbins Quartermaster Carson awakes to find entire country gone; moves capitol to Rhodesia.

I need Mike and Ikes

mm.