Wank Achievements
Mile High Bash: Wank on an airplane
Wiretap: Wank while on the phone with somebody
Behind Enemy Lines: Wank while an adult is in the room
God: Wank without using your hands
Reading, Writing, and…: Wank in school
Zero-G: Wank upside-down
Southpaw: Wank with your off-hand
Life on the Edge: Wank with the door open and the lights on
Cruelty: Walk in on someone wanking, then begin and finish before them
Minute Waltz: Flaccid to flaccid in fewer than 60 seconds
Tenure: Wank while teaching
Host Advantage: Wank while maintaining a 3:1 K/D spread in any game
House Rules: Wank and win a game of monopoly or risk
Party Favor: Wank while people are pinning the tail on the donkey
Public Enemy: Wank while waiting for public transportation
Sacrilege: Wank in church
Look out Below: Wank out of at least a second story window
Return to Sender: Rent a movie/book and wank into it, then return it
Barebones: Wank with no stimulus and with your eyes open
Sabotage: Wank during a bomb threat
Sedition: Wank during the national anthem
Study Abroad: Wank in another country
Deep Freeze: Wank under 32 F
Heat Stroke: Wank over 100 F
Double Play: Take a break from sex to wank
Prevailing Easterlies: Wank in a natural body of water
Red Lobster: Wank while in a restaurant
Down in Front: Wank in a movie theatre
Hard Time: Wank while breaking the law
Patriotism: Wank while enlisting
Below the Belt: Wank during an argument
Picking up the Torch: Finish someone off if they are clinically dead, and then successfully revive them
Marathon Man: Wank for one hour with stimulation
No Time like the Present: Wank while incapacitated
Going Up: Wank in an elevator
Renaissance Man: Wank while competing in a sporting event or producing a work of art or literature
Iron Lungs: Wank in one breath
Everything Counts: Wank in one fell swoop
Globetrotter: Sow your seed on all seven continents
Bushman: Wank in Africa
Lady Liberty: Wank in North America
South of the Border: Wank in South America
Hand Down Under: Wank in Australia
Great Leap Forward: Wank in Asia
The Leaning Tower: Wank in Europe
Frostbite: Wank in Antarctica
Hypothermia: Wank north of the Arctic Circle
Going Mobile: Wank while running
Queen’s Gambit: Wank during a game of chess
The Tube: Wank in a subway
Five Dollar Footlong: Wank while ordering food
Earth-Shattering: Wank on a fault line
Ballsy: Wank naked outside while it’s hailing
We Shall Overcome: Wank with a broken arm
I Have a Dream: Wank during a protest
Situational Awareness: Wank in a room with three or more people with one of them talking to you
Scraping By: Wank while below the poverty line
Living Large: Feast and then wank
Well Informed: Wank to the news
Greasemonkey: Wank using engine lubricant
High Society: Wank at the opera or symphony
Shoot for the Stars: Eject with a five foot vertical or more
Make a Wish: Finish at 11:11PM
Rubbing it in: Wank on someone undergoing testicular radiotherapy
Minimalist: Wank with one finger
Lights, Camera…: Wank onstage
Use of Time: Wank while stranded on a south Pacific island
Reduce, Reuse…: Use bodily fluids as a lubricant while wanking (wanksauce is acceptable)
On the Job: Wank while operating heavy machinery
Spray and Pray: Wank while firing an automatic weapon
Resourceful: Wank to produce electric, kinetic or thermal energy
Triathlon: Wank three times consecutively
Ace: Wank five times consecutively
Master’s Challenge: Wank while playing golf
Domino Effect: Wank to someone else wanking
The Iron Curtain: Wank with no internet access
Dry Fire: Wank with no source of moisture
Element of Surprise: Wank on to an enemy
Concealed Weapon: Wank without removing your trousers
Hadouken: Shout “Kamehameha!” as you finish
Over 9000: Complete a career total of 9001 wank sessions
For the Greater Good: Wank to avert a national crisis
True Artists…: Wank for all to see
Ace in the Hole: Wank to win a game of anything
March Madness: Wank three times a day for a month
Divinest Sense: Wank while praying
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